Here’s just one quick note: This ode is creepy on purpose … kinda like a joke on those creepy old poets, ya know? Did I ruin the joke by explaining it? Sorry. I just don’t want you to think I actually sit around like “Yo, I wish I could sink my teeth into some gleaming innards.” I neither condone nor endorse this behavior. If you are not mentally equipped to read such content, I strongly suggest you stop reading here.
Okay, now that we’ve got that cleared up, here’s the good stuff:
To my dearest love:
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
My Queen of Joy
My Empress of Flavor
My Angel of Comfort
Thou truly art the GOAT (1)
Thou truly art My GOAT
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Why dost thou hidest from me?
Buried away in thy warm cove
Behind thy metal fortress
Bundled deep within the castle of thy kitchen
Blanketed with thy alluring aroma
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Why dost thou torturest me so?
Resting outside the reach of my outstretched arms
Avoiding my longing grasp
Escaping my desperate lips
Tempting me
Teasing me
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
How thou shinest above my former love
Potato chips and cold queso (2)
And my ex-mistress
Parmesan garlic fries
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Dost thou finally grace me with thy presence?
Why indeed, tis true
Hallelujah!
Thou art before me uponst my mundane table
It doesn’t do thee justice
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
I am eternally honored to kneel before thee
Worshipping the greatest beauty my eyes have ever beheld
Swaddled in thy delicious aroma
Nestled in thy gleaming golden shell
Into which my teeth long to sink
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Just thy sultry scent leaves me licking my lips with longing
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
How tender is thy supple interior
How ripe dost thou gleaming innards be
How gooey
How steamy
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
How I itch to tear thy tender flesch
Feel it gush betwixt my teeth
How I long to hear your inner region stretch and snap
As my feeble mind does
Before each oncoming midterm (3)
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
How I love thee so
Thou art the greatest love of my humble life
Thou bringest me the glimmering light of hope
My ray of optimism
Radiating positive energy in the darkest of times
Thou art my brilliant rods of happiness
Thou glowest like a beacon of euphoria
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Thou art my savior
Oh, mozzarella sticks!
Thou art the only one I’ve ever truly loved
TLDR: (4)
Yo, MS –
U fine or whatever.
Come thru.
I’m bored and u seem kinda chill.
- Colloquial acronym often employed by the youths. Translates to: “greatest of all time”
- Yes, together (try it!)
- Lol it’s fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine.
- “Too long, didn’t read.” Another darn youthful acronym.
Contact Phoebe Quinton at pquinton ‘at’ stanford.edu.