As students returned to campus after winter break last weekend, many decided to diffuse the cost of taking an Uber or Lyft from the airport by sharing with another student. This produced a flurry of activity on various university-related social media pages, as students took to the likes of Facebook in search of potential ride-sharing buddies.

“Anyone arriving at SFO around 2 p.m. on Sunday who wants to split an Uber to campus?” read one such post by Piergiorgio Zajac. “Anyone flying privately into SFO and trying to split a UH-60 Black Hawk?” read another.

For those students with five-star passenger ratings, however, finding someone with whom to share an Uber is not so simple.

“I can’t let just anyone in my Uber,” explained Callum Ritchie who has a five-star rating. “What if they’re rude or smell really bad. They could ruin my perfect track record. Before I share with anyone, I first ask them to complete a 12-point questionnaire with two character references.”

These high standards proved a particular problem for Ritchie, as his younger sister, a freshman Ritchie described as being “mole-like with respect to her affinity for dirt and knowledge of human social conventions,” was not an acceptable ride-sharing buddy.

“We took separate cars,” reported Ritchie. “She only has four stars. I can’t associate with those folk.”

“Is he still upset I gave him a lump of coal for Christmas?” asked Carla Ritchie. “He knows that was a joke, right?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu