In light of the uncertainty around the unfolding of the pandemic, Stanford administrators have long delayed announcing reopening plans. But in a recent announcement, they admitted that they had perfect knowledge all along. Indeed, they were only withholding plans for fall quarter to mess with students.

“It’s true,” said one top administrator. “After a certain threshold for annual income, the federal government starts giving you insider information on the state of public health.”

He went on to explain that administrators kind of cared about students, but like not really. He also mentioned that they only worked three days every week, reserving Thursdays for virtual karaoke and Fridays for watching “Golden Girls” reruns. 

“Stanford in tents, Stanford in hamster bubbles, Stanford in a huge simulated dome à la Hunger Games — we threw all the possibilities out there!” said another, slightly less prestigious administrator. “We even leaked that email just to throw you off! And to think y’all believed every word. I can hardly imagine the look on those innocent ProFro faces. Totally worth it!”

Administrators insisted that they have long had the perfect reopening plans ready, plans that would make absolutely no one upset. When The Daily asked what those reopening plans would actually be, administrators left us on read.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.