With egregious voter suppression and foreign interference in elections, America has been no stranger to caloric austerity. But this year, with a president creating confusion around a fair election and refusing to accept its results, millions of Americans have reached an unprecedented commitment to swerve away from thick, fattening Democracy. Instead, they’re flirting with a new product: Democracy Lite.
“It’s the latest diet fad, and folks seem to love it,” commented one diligent poll worker, as protestors gathered around the vote counting center. They were protesting for the workers to keep counting, or to stop counting, or to count only some of the votes or something? Unclear, but they were definitely chanting something garbled about the Supreme Court.
“Democracy Lite has helped me keep off those pounds for good,” said one enthusiastic consumer. “It’s time to finally ‘drain the swamp’ from your pantry, Democracy and all!”
As millions of Americans switch to Democracy Lite, several leaders in Congress have eagerly followed suit. “I have no commitment to regular Democracy, not even in moderation,” said Sen. Mitchell McMuffin. “It’s what my constituents want!”
Still, the FDA issued a warning that consuming Democracy Lite could have dangerous health consequences. “I give up, no one trusts highly trained professional scientists anymore, anyways,” said one senior official. An unpaid intern saw things differently: “I have no idea what’s happening, the agency’s Zoom membership just expired.”
Some have argued that American democracy-related diets are hardly a new phenomenon. America even boasts of a system that notoriously makes it possible to win the presidency with only 23% of the popular vote. We also have those obnoxious people who say, “It’s a republic, not a democracy.” However, Occasionally correspondents usually cover their ears and sing really loud whenever those people are around.
All in all, we sincerely hope that Americans give up this string of fad diets and finally sink their teeth into some rich, calorific Democracy, like they were always meant to. In the meantime, I’ll try to forget that this article will change the minds of exactly zero of them.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.