Wednesday was an historic day as America traded up from one elderly white man to another. President Biden’s inaugural address, however, was interrupted as the 78-year-old 46th president, about to stumble over his words, tried to use his index finger to follow along on the teleprompter.

“It wasn’t dignified,” said Judy Doom, a retired manicurist from the boondocks of whichever Dakota doesn’t have Mount Rushmore. “Dragging his finger across the screen like that, leaving smudges. Yick.”

Asked to comment, our newly-minted president insisted that this incident proves he has complete use of all ten fingers. “I can do whatever I want!” he exclaimed. “Eat a corn dog, a hot dog, a hot dog where the bun is just two corn dogs — there is no hot dog/corn dog combination that you can eat that I cannot with these bad boys.” He began twiddling his fingers.

Towards the end of the speech, President Biden also reportedly licked his thumb and forefinger and attempted to turn a page on the teleprompter. He persisted despite desperate pleas from Dr. Biden that teleprompters don’t have pages. “America…must…turn over…a new page,” President Biden could be heard mumbling.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.