Jesus Mercado ’24 came to Stanford with a dream. Filled with anticipation, Mercado originally pictured himself strolling to Main Quad with a cup of Coupa in one hand and his iPhone in the other, oblivious to all the bikers around him. Instead, he now spends his time at home scrolling through TikTok as his lectures play in the background.
“I’ve just been so busy,” said Mercado while chuckling at something on his ‘For You’ page. “My friends are always like: ‘Hey do you want to catch up and call?’ but I just find it interesting how they never interact with the TikToks I send them.”
He’s not alone. Rhonda Shimes ‘22 argues that classes are just too hard right now. “I just don’t think it’s fair that professors are not taking into account the learning we do outside the classroom,” said Shimes, still scrolling. “Why on Earth would I pay attention to the two hour time block that is that HumBio core when I could use that time to watch not one, not two, but three Grey’s Anatomy episodes,” she said.
“They keep talking about community engaged learning but I’m like… where’s the engagement? Where’s the ‘not interested in seeing this content button?’ Where are the challenges? Where are the dances with the annoyingly catchy hyperpop songs?” Shimes added.
Others have alluded to the mental health toll scrolling through TikTok for five hours has.
“It’s just been so hard having a healthy work-life balance this quarter, ya know?” said Polly Paris ‘23. “My dad and therapist always tell me that too much screen time can’t be that good for you which is why right now, I am focusing more on my TikTok career than my classes.”
When asked how professors could make their Zoom University experience better, students responded with blank looks and silence.
“I don’t know. That one psychology professor is pretty funny. Oh and the physics professor is pretty cute I guess,” said Paris.
At press time, all three students reported switching to C/NC to help accommodate for their busy daily scrolling routines.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.