Libra – Define and redefine the terms of your relationship with your Kinder egg dealer.

Aquarius – Remove the backspace key from your keyboard. 

Gemini – You will meet the love of your life while doing a fake British accent at a party you were not invited to. 

Taurus – Remind yourself of the sensation of human touch by getting a full Brazilian.

Aries – Fall not for the false dichotomy of man. 

Pisces – Is it you, or is it canned pineapples? 

Capricorn – Look into the maw of a hippopotamus and laugh.

Sagittarius – Should you really add Deadmau5 to that mixtape for your crush? 

Cancer – If a train travels 175 feet, how many palm trees are cut down in the Amazon?

Virgo – Live, laugh, loss of hearing/and or vision as a result of taking acuvula.

Leo – Ask yourself: Is your gas permeable? 

Scorpio – If you seek healthy-looking skin, take it.