This article is an account by Bradley Summers ’24. Please note that the actions mentioned in this article are not advisable to our readers.

“Last summer was a movie. When I arrived on campus for the first time, I was so excited to live in Otero! I was a party beast, taking beer shots left and right — but I noticed after a while that I was building a little too much of an alcohol tolerance, which was, of course, getting in the way of me getting lit. I had to do something about it, so I opted for a little ‘tea break.’ Thought it’d be good to, ya know, give others a head start this fall. Then last weekend, the game came around… I saw everyone tailgating and said: ‘Why not?'”

“People will tell you it was three beers. I’m telling you that’s bullsh*t. I swear to you that stuff was spiked with something. Maybe I swallowed some hand sanitizer, I don’t know. Or maybe it had vodka in it somewhere. The point is, I was set up. They didn’t need to call an ambulance. Sure, they’ll tell you I was knocked out and that they had no other choice, but I was well aware of my surroundings and let me tell you: that ride with all those sirens was kinda lit. But I digress — talk about fake friends.”

“What’s up with this new alcohol policy anyway? I don’t know what it says, exactly, but it’d better not get in the way of my party wave. Plus my RA’s a pretty chill dude — no way will he report me. Now that I’m in the groove again, I kinda wanna pre-game with him this Friday. He told me to rush Cap of Sig so I think that’s a pretty good sign. Plus he told me to drink responsibly or whatever after last time. That just means he’s down to help me do it, right?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.