You may know Treehouse as that restaurant inside the package center, or perhaps the TAP where you can’t pay with play money. Though you may not have heard of their dine-in restaurant, the Treehouse four-foot burrito is a staple of club events.

“Over six long months, we designed the four-foot burrito to be as infuriating as possible,” said Treehouse head chef. “By having it be mostly middle pieces, we made it impossible to eat a slice without dropping its filling out of the other end. A secondary action we took, although less despicable, was to add trace amounts of arsenic.”

The Treehouse has recently come under fire, however, for somehow making their burrito even worse.

“From now on, we will be cutting all of our four-foot burritos lengthwise,” McFude announced, “and removing the arsenic.”

This announcement was met with universal outrage by the student body.

One student had this to say: “Wait, there used to be arsenic in the burritos?”

“Only a supervillain would cut food to be shared lengthwise,” an impassioned frosh exclaimed. “How am I even supposed to eat it?”

“They were better with the arsenic!” emphatically yelled another.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.