Going into the 4th quarter against Oregon State this Saturday, the score was 24 to 10 and it looked as though the Cardinal may break their year-long FBS football losing streak. However, just in the nick of time, Stanford Football remembered that it was Stanford Football, letting Oregon State score in the last 15 seconds to lose 27 to 28 and blow their 14-point lead.

In the post-game press conference, head coach David Shaw described how he rallied the team to pull off the narrow defeat. “I asked them, ‘We are a whole 14 points ahead. Is this us? Is this who we are? Are we going to quit or are we going to turn things around?’”

“Seeing the band rush out onto the field and hearing the Axe Committee blow the train whistle, I remembered where I went to school,” Stanford running back Casey Filkins explained. “At that moment, I knew I had made a mistake by scoring a touchdown to put us in the lead, and I thank the rest of the team and coaching staff for pulling us back from the brink of victory.” 

“They had us in the first half. I’m not going to lie. But I’m glad we could turn this game around last minute. We could have been threatened with bowl eligibility if it wasn’t for the loss! I never go to football games on campus. You think I’m going to go to Pasadena?” 90% of the student body said.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.