Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Ah, election day: that magical time when the air is thick with political tension, every conversation feels like a minefield and your social media feed is hotter than a jalapeño pepper on a summer day in a freshly microwaved vat of lava. But fear not, brave voter! Whether you’re just trying to make it through the day without losing your cool, or you’re hoping to survive the Thanksgiving dinner table without causing yet another murder-suicide, here’s your ultimate, foolproof guide to surviving election day like a pro. Ready? Let’s get you fortified.
1. Stock your bunker with vague responses
Like a bunker stocked with canned beans and bottled water, your mental bunker needs vague, noncommittal responses to keep you nourished through the conversational siege. Here’s what to have on hand when people try to coerce you into answering covert questions, such as “Do you prefer the left or the right direction? Or the center?”:
- “It’s complicated.” This is your multipurpose phrase. Is it really that complicated? Maybe, maybe not— but people will think you’re being thoughtful. They’ll move on much quicker than the average Stanford student does with his ex.
- “Interesting perspective!” Translation: “I’d rather eat your dog than argue with you.” But they’ll hear: “I respect your opinion!”
These phrases are like MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) for election day survival — portable, slimy and ready to get you through tough times.
2. Fortify with snacks and patience
Waiting at your polling place is long, stressful and full of unexpected tears.
Stock up on enough snacks to last through endless lines and the occasional heated debate from that guy in line who really wants to talk about voter fraud. Pro tip: Chewing gives you an excuse not to talk. When someone asks, “Who are you voting for?” just take a loud, long crunch on those chips and shrug. Sometimes, you won’t even need to shrug. That will usually happen when you are shrugged on.
3. Build a mental shield (because the opinions are coming!)
Your mental bunker’s thick walls need to keep out others’ political opinions. When someone starts yelling, “If you don’t vote for [insert candidate], the country is doomed,” imagine that you’re behind a concrete wall — safe and sound from any possible future of the nation.
When Aunt Karen from Facebook starts going off about [insert conspiracy theory of the week], you can deflect like a true pro: “I’m just excited to exercise my civic duty!” It’s like responding to someone throwing a grenade with, “Wow, great toss! I’m just here to participate!”
4. Prepare for family dinner
After election day comes Thanksgiving Dinner — a.k.a., the real battleground state. But if you’ve built a strong bunker of political neutrality, you’ll be ready for those political landmines your uncle likes to plant.
Your best weapon? A strategic topic change. Steer the conversation away from politics and into safer territory, like asking, “So, how are the divorce proceedings coming along?” Watch the debate shift from healthcare policy to whether the prenup was actually a bad idea.
5. Keep communication brief and tactical
Soldiers don’t waste time on unnecessary chatter. On election day, adopt the same approach. When someone presses you for your thoughts on a contentious issue, remember: Brevity is your best friend. Keep it short and neutral. If someone’s really pushing, hit them with a classic: “I’m just here for stickers.” It’s friendly, disarming and, most importantly, it’s 100% noncommittal, like most of your relationships.
6. Silence: The ultimate tactical move
In military strategy, sometimes silence is the smartest play. On election day, the same rule applies. If the conversation gets too heated, simply go silent. It’s not avoidance — it’s self-preservation in an invisible freezer. Silence can be golden, especially when your cousin is trying to trap you in a three-hour debate about tax policy.
Final tip: Exit strategy
Every good bunker comes with an exit strategy. Know when to retreat. If the political discussion gets too intense, you can always pull the classic, “Oh, I’ve got to check on my casserole!” No one questions a casserole. Nor knows what a casserole is.
By the end of Election Day, your bunker of political neutrality will have kept you safe from all political crossfire. You’ll emerge not only as a survivor, but also the person everyone still likes because you didn’t argue with anyone. And that, my friends, is the ultimate election day victory.