Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Gov. Gavin Newsom has unveiled a major slate of criminal justice reforms aimed at tackling “unjust prison sentences” resulting from the state’s so-called Three Strike Law, which mandates that an offender’s third felony conviction carries a sentence of 25 years to life, regardless of the crime.
The proposed alternative, known as the “Three Strikes, Four Balls Law,” adds the caveat that after four not guilty verdicts, a defendant is exempt from prosecution for one future felony that they are arrested for, an act dubbed as “a walk” in the DA’s office.
Newsom hailed the reform as a win for equal justice: “California is a beautiful place with beautiful people. Especially beautiful are its voters. And you know what this great state’s voters love? Criminal justice reform. You know what else they love? Baseball. You know a third thing they love? Tough-on-crime politicians.”
“So, my fellow Californians — and especially those who can vote in the 2028 Presidential elections — won’t you love me? This law is only one of my really big ideas. You know where big ideas like mine belong? The White House you say? Oh, me? In the White House? I couldn’t… I really couldn’t… but if you insist, dear voter, then who am I, most humble Gavin C. Newsom, to refuse?”
When reporters asked Newsom whether the crime bill was backed by policy research, the governor responded, “Why? Would you vote for me if it was?”
The “Three Strikes, Four Balls Law” is currently best-known by this unofficial title, but its official title – “An Act to Affect Prison Reform, Education and Sustainability in Defense of Everything Nonpartisan Voters Think is Good Policy So that Everyone Will Vote for Gavin Newsom for President in 2028,” or more simply, the “PRESIDENT Gavin Newsom Act” — is raising eyebrows in Sacramento and beyond as lawmakers question whether the law actually has Californians’ best interests in mind.
Gubernatorial hopeful Katy Porter released a statement in support of the crime bill: “Gavin, I love what you’ve done here! You’ve got my vote. Now, about that endorsement for Governor. I’m falling behind in the polls, and I’m running out of staffers to blow off steam on. Those silly geese. Get out of my effing shot! Am I right? Hope to hear from you soon with an endorsement! Love, (Governor?) Katy Porter, xoxo.”
Republican gubernatorial candidate and Riverside City Sheriff Chad Bianco suspects foul-play within the proposal, calling it “yet another swing and a miss from the Democrat crime party.” Bianco also lent conditional support to the proposal.
“If President Trump were to endorse the PRESIDENT Gavin Newsom – no, not Gavin Newsom for President — wait — I meant — if President Trump supports the plan then I have always supported the plan. Unless, he doesn’t. Then, this plan is BAD for Californians, and it always has been bad,” Bianco said.
A new poll from the Institute for Governmental Studies at the University of California asked voters to rate their support for Governor Newsom’s PRESIDENT Act. A majority of voters responded, “Who is Gavin Newsom?”