Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

In recent weeks, students living outside of Lagunita Court have been met by locked doors when attempting to reach Lakeside Dining. After many complaints, Residential & Dining Enterprises (R&DE) has finally responded, confirming that the doors to Lagunita Court were locked to keep droves of East Campus residents away from the coveted dining hall during its Mardi Gras special.

In their statement, R&DE called the move “fully intentional,” citing it as “both a moral and effective way to reduce the burden on limited hospitality resources West of the Quad.” Furthermore, R&DE announced that Lagunita Court will undergo renovations to further discourage outsiders from partaking in Lakeside Dining’s sweet sweet specials.

Internal emails received by The Daily refer to the protective measures as “The Gauntlet.” Draft designs include high turrets, flying buttresses above the housing center and construction of a medieval style motte below the dining hall to fortify it behind the new and improved walls.

Many students criticized R&DE’s response to the popularity of Lakeside Dining. “The fix is more capacity and staff, not deterrence,” said Elijah Barish ‘28, “People go to Lakeside to enjoy the dining opportunities, not to hop fences and dodge cartoonish traps.”

Maya Ellis ‘29, a resident of West Lag, had mixed feelings about the fortifications. “I would like shorter lines, but I like when my friends from East campus come visit me all the way out here because of the good food. There has to be a better solution,” she said as she ate her fifth beignet during our interview.

As a countermeasure, Stanford Student Robotics released plans to build a bot called “The Key to Lag Court,” which utilizes a half ton mass to breach the new fortifications. Stanford’s LARPers broke into tears upon being asked to man the siege engine.