Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Following revelations that the billionaire founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, had a longstanding relationship with convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Stanford has announced it will strip Gates’ name from the William H. Gates Computer Science Building and instead honor alumnus Peter Thiel B.A. ‘89, JD ‘92. Gates, who is not a Stanford alumnus, gave an initial gift of $6 million toward the building’s construction in 1992.
The Board of Trustees voted unanimously to strip Gates’ name from the building and rename it to the Peter A. Thiel Center for Panoptic Computing. Thiel is best known for founding the technology company Palantir in 2003 as well as being an early investor in Meta (née Facebook).
“We are concerned by the news of Mr. Gates’ ties to highly unethical individuals and unsavory activities. In keeping with our high ethical standards, we will address this situation as an opportunity to honor Stanford’s recently accomplished alumni. The Peter A. Thiel Center for Panoptic Computing will serve as a constant reminder to our students that greatness is within reach,” the Board wrote in its statement. “The Thiel Center will be a hub for students to observe success in action, as our security team has organized the installation of live video feeds constantly streaming at least a dozen classes currently in session. Additionally, we have deepened our relationship with security provider Flock Safety to stream a live feed of White Plaza and Palm Drive.”
A straw-poll of students attending a recent Hoover Institution government contractor networking event indicated unanimous support for the renaming and for the implementation of increased surveillance on campus.
Anna Lane ‘29, an attendee of the Hoover Institution’s event, says students like her “look up to Thiel as the new American Dream. The younger generation needs a Big Brother to look out for us in such a crazy world.”