Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Lately, commencement speakers at universities across the nation have struggled to relate to young graduates. As a youth myself, I thought I’d throw out some pointers to Sundar Pichai before addressing Stanford’s class of ‘26. Just remember, big tech companies like Google have played a starring role in shaping all these grads’ new adult lives, so they’ll be extremely excited to hear from you! Some might be so overwhelmed with joy they’ll leave the stadium before it’s over.

1. Announce a new AI model

See, many other commencement speakers have drawn the ire of graduates because they don’t really understand AI and its impacts. You, Mr. Pichai, really understand AI. Perhaps better than any other schmuck with a hungover captive audience. What’s the big takeaway? It’s gonna make everyone rich just like you! The grads are so excited by this. You should give them a glimpse into their future by telling them about Google’s next big thing at commencement. Nothing else could better complete our grads’ big day than being a set piece for your company, which they all love.

2. Talk about your time at McKinsey & Co.

Having spent two years on this campus, I can safely say that nothing will have graduates salivating more than the thought of prestigious employment. It would be a great motivator for all the grads out there. Hell, if you reminisce on your summer job stocking shelves at Safeway, you might elicit a tear or two from those continuing on to grad school. 

3. Flaunt your deep ties with President Trump

Like billionaires of Christmas past, you are a patron of the finer things in this nation. Inaugurations, ballrooms, anti-trust rollbacks, the likes. All these things are so cool and popular with young people! I am a deep admirer of the rococo rebirth in the nation’s capital, and I was so pleased to learn that Google was a leading supporter of the efforts to make it all happen. And congratulations on your near-miss with the DOJ! The grads will be inspired by your triumph.

4. Give away a car to every graduate

This is not a joke. I am suggesting in good faith that Google should re-enter the automotive industry and revive the Google car. Yes, the back side of the print issue this week is plastered with Gemini advertising. Yes, I am paid from The Stanford Daily’s coffers. Yes, I would buy a self-driving car from the search engine company, and so should YOU, dear reader.

5. Directly insult the humanities

Stanford grads are like at least 70% STEM and STEM-adjacent. That’s a supermajority. You might as well cut your losses and tell the *ahem* useful grads who really has the keys to the future. Sure, history books might not smile upon you (the guy in the second row has nothing better to do than write a textbook), but that doesn’t seem to be a concern of yours recently. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Go get ’em, tiger!