Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
After the National Labor Relations Board declared RAs at Stanford deserving of a union election, the University announced that all future interactions between the labor organization and ResEd would be moderated by the Pinkerton Detective Agency. The Stanford Report announced that Pinkerton detectives would oversee the union election taking place October 6th and 7th, meet with student employees to assess their job concerns, and ensure that dissatisfied RAs “get what they deserve.”
Unsure on the exact nature of their work, Daily reporters asked Pinkerton agent Homer Stead about his role mediating disagreements with RAUR, the union seeking to represent RAs and ETAs at Stanford. Stead replied, “If I may answer a question with a question, have you thought of unionizing?” After hearing a “no,” Stead decided to sheathe his knife and unlock the door. No Daily reporters have urine stains on their pants as of press time.
“Leland Stanford would be proud,” said Vice Provost for Student Affairs Michelle Rasmussen. “Robber barons have always endorsed the practice of coercive disorganization.”
Regarding whether she considered RAs and ETAs employees, she responded, “Erm, actually, they’re called Residential Student Leaders, and they’re not workers. They’re like indentured servants, except that we don’t give them room and board.”
When asked whether she felt overworked and fairly compensated, an RA in Burbank requesting her name and location to be anonymous told Daily reporters that she “… doesn’t know…” before pointing them to a clause in her work agreement that requires her to “Follow the guidance of the pertinent Associate Director… before communicating with or responding to inquiries from any media outlet.” Handshake currently displays open positions for an RA in Burbank and a ditchdigger.
“As of two days ago, we’re trying to shed our violent history,” said Stead, refusing to comment on the reopened position. “Any RA vacancies are purely due to ResEd’s staffing decisions.”
Students have spotted Pinkerton agents around dorms leaving unfinished food out to attract rodents, handing frosh vodka handles, and breaking and entering to lock students’ doors from the inside. Pinkerton agent Molly Maguire explained their tactics.
“Not often do we resort to nonviolence, but Stanford suggested that we wear down RAs by making them work until they collapse. Lockouts are up 71%; alcohol’s up 4%. That last number was already so high that it’s hard to make the percent change.” Pinkerton agents currently have no plans to fully occupy dorms, confessed Maguire. “There’s no air conditioning and I don’t really like how the keycards look.”
As the university incurs more and more expenses to discourage unionizing students, community members have asked whether it would be less costly for them to instead meet with students and increase their stipends. Regarding these comments, head of ResEd Cheryl Brown replied, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.” Brown then left to watch Pinkerton agents flash red dots over RAs’ chests as they walked their frosh to the Oval.
To hear a definitive answer on whether the university considers RAs and ETAs employees with the same rights as other workers, the Daily reached out to President Levin for an interview. Declining the opportunity, the Office of the President responded only with the following comment: “Counting or not counting student leadership?”