Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Student leaders of Do Good Now, an organization seeking to promote positive social impact among students looking for work, have indicated that they will now endorse employment opportunities at aerospace firms. The about-face came on the last day of the annual San Francisco Fleet Week, in which the Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard showcase vehicles from their fleets.
In an email to their interest list, Do Good Now called the exhibition “sick as hell” and singled out the Blue Angels, the Navy’s formal aerobatics team, as “the kind of sh*t Stanford graduates need to be focusing on to positively impact our world.” Additionally, Do Good Now slammed students for chasing “phat [sic] paychecks in exchange for building a mundane dystopia.”
In reporting this story, The Daily joined Dan Jenkins ’28 in spectating the closing event in Fleet Week’s showcase. As a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor flew overhead, Jenkins, a mechanical engineering major, was visibly aroused.
“Up until this weekend, I thought I could make a splash in sustainable engineering,” Jenkins said. “Now, I realize the most direct positive impact I and others like me can have on our fellow citizens is building doper engines of war.”
Members of the Stanford community have noted that graduates are increasingly drawn to lucrative jobs with dubious ethics and impact. However, The Daily has noted that these jobs are, despite their appealing salaries, highkey lame, a sentiment echoed by Jenkins and others at Do Good Now. As a litmus test, consider if your kid would want to go to bring your child to work day. If not, you may make more of a positive global impact as human compost.
“I can’t say I’ve ever found a job in the public sector that united the young, the old, the rich, and the poor like Fleet Week,” wrote Jenkins on LinkedIn. “That’s why I’m excited to announce that I’ll be joining Northrop Grumman after graduation. I wouldn’t be here without my co-staff at Do Good Now and Stanford Effective Altruism, who always inspired me to do what’s best for society.”