After the University released its tentative plans for next year, a leaked video of an “Online Stanford University” ad shows that the University is prepared for another cycle of recruitment in the extreme case that it can not fill its class sizes.

Current projections show that if classes are held online, a substantial number of students might take leaves of absence.

“Every class wants to be on campus for either fall quarter or spring quarter,” said Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Richard Shaw. “That’s certain. But when you run the model for the class year that gets stuck with both winter and summer quarters, the projections are not promising.”

“We’re not going to let the University fall short of its quotas, so we’re going to recruit, recruit, recruit,” he added.

The leaked advertisement features a generic student alarmed at the voice of an omnipresent narrator who advises them to attend Stanford University.

“Did you know you can earn your Bachelor’s degree online?” asks the narrator. The advertisement then goes on to convince the generic student to enroll in Online Stanford University, colloquially known as Zoom University.

When reached for comment, Provost Persis Drell commented on the benefits of such an online education. 

“I am not commenting on said leaked video — but if I were, would that be such a bad thing?” asked the provost. “I don’t know, but think about the benefits of an ongoing online education: no commute, no dorm community — and you can quit Zoom if you don’t want to be in break-out groups.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu and Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.