Oh no! Your roomie just tested positive for COVID-19, and now you’re scrambling to find a place to sleep because of the University’s “isolate in place” order. Never fear, for we’ve got plenty of great suggestions as to where you can find a better temporary living space than your dorm’s cold, hard couches.
- The Old Union Bathrooms
They’re incredibly hard to find and usually empty, and hey — it’s just a two-minute walk to Tresidder! Close proximity to toilets and Starbucks — what could be better? Okay, maybe a bed.
- Pool floatie in The Claw
Water bed? How about a bed on the water? Let the gentle waves of the fountain lull you to sleep as you curl up on your giant inflatable swan and try not to think about how your roommate might be licking every single one of your socks out of repressed annoyance with you. Just be sure not to bonk your head on the statue!
- Meyer Green
Always a great place to play the guitar, chat with a friend, or nap on the damp, cold grass on a blanket that will become a breeding ground for hypothermia within ten minutes.
- The ceiling of MemAud
I’m still not entirely sure how to get here, which means that the freshmen definitely won’t either. It’s not the best for anyone with an irrational fear of heights or a rational fear of dying, but thrill-seekers and hopeless romantics will love it for the stargazing possibilities.
- Any chemistry building
According to my friend, there are only about six chemistry majors in every year at any possible time, so I’m sure this building’s not seeing that much use, especially the rooms reserved for any 200+ level classes. Will you be exposed to asbestos? Maybe. Is it better than sleeping in the same room as ten other people? Definitely.
- The gaping dirt pit where the old chemistry building used to be
Cover it with a tarp for rainy nights, and it’ll still be cleaner than the lounge floor where you’ve definitely passed out.
- The Lathrop 24-hour study room
Although this room is typically used by the engineering majors who average four hours of sleep each night, you can now repurpose it as your new home! You’ll have access to an extra monitor to use for the Zoom classes you pay thousands of dollars for, as well as a nice bench to sleep on that probably has more germs than a toilet seat. As an added bonus, you’ll get to be roommates with the ghost of Lathrop Cupboard Café.
- The steam tunnels
Toasty, atmospheric and nearly impossible to find. It’ll be just like Fantastic Mr. Fox, except without the quirky stop-motion animation… or jokes… or food… or decent air quality.
- A tent on The Dish
Have you ever had a hankering for the outdoors? Now is a better time than ever to develop an appreciation for nature by taking a portable home to Stanford’s popular hiking spot. Sure, your WiFi connection might be terrible, but who needs social media when you can find entertainment from your new friends ― tarantulas and snakes!
- The basement of Building 420
Although it’s the former site of the Stanford Prison Experiment, it’s not like those conditions are that different from any all-frosh dorm.
- The “highly sensitive” laboratories near the Engineering Quad
Look, you might be exposed to some radiation and chemicals of dubious safety, but the buildings practically look like dorms. I’m sure sleeping next to nuclear waste is still better than having to hear three people snore simultaneously.
- The top floor of Hoover Tower
Outside visitors aren’t allowed — so there’s an even lesser risk of COVID-19 transmission — and you’ll have the best view possible of Stanford. Just make sure to watch out for any nesting hawks that might see your eyeballs as their next snack.
- TAP
I’ve definitely fallen asleep in their booths before — what can I say, they’re comfortable! — and you’ll have the easiest access to late-night dining on campus. No more scrambling together a meal from loose hot sauce packets, ramen bricks and those chocolates your mom got you when she visited last month!
- The Green Library Stacks
Green Library is known for its light-academia atmosphere and sprawling stacks — which could be your new home! Grab a blanket and a pillow and doze off next to the dusty works of Kant and Descartes. Be careful though. These stacks are a favorite location for *illicit rendezvous*.
- Your Ex’s Room
Worst comes to worst, your ex’s room will have to do. No, it wasn’t like you wanted to see them or anything — this was simply an emergency situation. You will NOT be speaking to them, you will NOT start cuddling on their bed and you most certainly will NOT end up making out with them at three in the morning and saying that you want to “try to make it work again.” Absolutely no way any of this will happen. This is only a matter of public health and safety.
Of course, the University could also always just pay for hotel rooms or something, but why would it ever do that when there are so many wonderful options on campus already?
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.