“Climate and sustainability is going to be the new computer science” panicked John Doerr yesterday after discovering that his $1.1 billion donation had accidentally been made to the new sustainability school. “At least it better be,” Doerr continued. “I’m paying helluva lotta money for this.”

According to inside sources obtained by the Stanford Occasionally, the sustainability school initially tried to return the money. “Usually we only get checks that big from fossil fuel companies,” explained Arun Majumdar, the dean of the new school. “It took us by surprise.”

Doerr reportedly declined to take back the money, arguing that “It’s really just not worth my time to correct every mistake I’ve ever made. I’m a busy man. Time is money, people.” 

In a statement later published by his secretary, however, Doerr struck a different tone. “This is the kind of advocacy we need to see more of these days. People contributing to sustainability without even thinking about it. I care deeply about the planet and definitely not only about putting my name on a building.”

According to Majumdar, Doerr has made an excellent unintentional investment. “He’s getting a lot more bang for his buck, $1B would only get him a 30-person classroom in a CS building. Maybe a couple mediocre TAs.”

When asked for comment on the lost funding, engineering school dean Jennifer Widom didn’t seem concerned: “What’s the guy’s name again? Door was it? Yeah, we’ll scrape by without him.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.