With COVID-19 cases numbering 400 and counting, Stanford reportedly ran out of isolation spaces for students who test positive. To resolve the situation, Residential & Dining Enterprises (R&DE) announced Thursday that it will begin locking COVID-positive students in the Collegeboxes storage units for the quarter.

“I’m pretty sure there’s no ventilation in those things, so omicron can’t get in or out,” said Assistant Vice Provost Dean of Housing Management Bryce Myers. “In that sense, it’s ideal for students. COVID-proof, if you will.”

Myers went on to say that the location of the U-box units would be spread throughout campus, but “we’ll probably just throw most of them in the steam tunnels.”

The scramble to find isolation spaces for students comes amid the surge of the omicron variant across the United States. The Stanford administration was reportedly shocked to learn this week that this is the same United States where many students live and is in fact where Stanford is located.

“Look, I was watching the new Loki series on Disney+ over break,” wrote Provost Persis Drell in an official email to the student body. “And I kind of thought this whole ‘variant’ thing would be taken care of by now. They took care of the Loki variants! Anyways, I’m a big fan of Tom Hiddleston and Owen Wilson.”

While it situates the remainder of the COVID-positive students in U-box units, R&DE wanted to remind students that its terms and conditions maintain that Stanford is not liable for any damage to objects stored in Collegeboxes. Additionally, ignore any loud shivering you hear at night. It’s probably just the raccoons.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.